Although the practice of the bride saying a few words is becoming increasingly popular, that’s all it is – a few words – leaving the bulk of the spoken words to the men: the groom, the bride’s father and the best man. Words that need to be poignant, witty, touching, poetic and – despite not having a Shakespearean training – delivered with pomp and drama. The beads of perspiration should be forming on your brow right about now…But there are ways to make sure you achieve all of the above without breaking into sweat. The first thing in your favour is, unlike the compere, comedian or toastmaster – who are all hired to be word perfect – none of your gathered guests will be out to judge you. Even if you fluff up horribly, they’ll be happy to put it down to you being overcome by emotion. But the key factor that turns the pressure off lies in the confidence that you know what you’re talking about. This can only be achieved by preparing a speech long before the Big Day. Practice until it starts to come naturally, first reading it out loud then reciting the gist of it from memory (don’t learn it parrot-fashion as it will inevitably sound stilted). Re-write it if needs be and rehearse it until you know the flow so well that no amount of heckling, unexpected laughter or attack of nerves will sway you from putting your message across. It all then rests on the quality of the speech itself. Luckily, there are rules and better still, they can be shaped to suit your delivery whichever way you see fit. Let us spell it out for you…

If you’re the bride’s father

The first man to speak at length, you will be introduced by the toastmaster or best man to take to the stage, whereupon you will welcome the guests, says a few words of thanks to the groom’s parents and then go all misty-eyed about your beautiful daughter. There is no call to be particularly humorous (though even a suggestion of wit will be met by rapturous response); the object is to spell out to the guests just what an auspicious, special occasion this is and just how touched you are that everyone feels the same way.

If you’re the groom

Again, there’s no call to be a comic genius. Your job is to be filled with gratitude – to the guests for gracing you with their presence and presents, to both sets of parents for giving bride and groom so much love and guidance, to the bridesmaids and the best man for making this day go so smoothly and above all, your wife for making you the happiest man alive. If there are any members of the family or close friends who cannot attend for any reason, mention them in thanks or better still, read out messages on their behalf. It is customary to present the bridesmaids and best man with tokens of appreciation and the mothers with bouquets of flowers. Finally, invite your guests to raise their glasses to toast the beautiful bride and sit back and soak up the applause.

If you’re the best man

It’s okay to panic thinking about it, because you have to think this through before you take centre stage. The limelight is on you. You are officially the man of the moment. The wedding so far has comprised of formalities, food and fond wishes – now’s the time when they’re expecting the fun to start. Not too much pressure then, eh? But don’t worry. The fact that you are officially the groom’s number one man should give you the level of confidence you need to carry the speech through. You don’t have to be a comedian – if funny doesn’t come naturally to you, sentimental is okay. Telling everyone how the happy couple met and how good they’ve been to you will get everyone’s nod of approval. Keep it brief but entertaining, with just the right anecdotes to make the groom blush. The tried-and-tested formula of winning over the crowd involves pointing out just how much better the groom’s life has been since the bride came into his life and how it can only get better from hereon. Embarrass him with stories of his previous silliness (minus any details of ex-girlfriends or secret debauchery), then shower him with praise once you’ve humiliated him enough. Always, without fail, say how beautiful the bride looks and thank everyone for making this one of the greatest days of your life.